How Women Leaders Can Say “No” With Authority and Empathy

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Saying "no" at work can feel harder than solving a Rubik's cube blindfolded while riding a unicycle on a tightrope. Research shows that women struggle more than men to say no, especially in the workplace.

A study by Stanford professor Laurie Rudman found that when women declined requests, they were perceived as "less likable" and "hirable" than men who did the same. What's more, women often feel immense pressure to be agreeable, fearing negative consequences to their career and relationships if they dare utter the dreaded N-O.

I hear this all the time from my coaching clients, powerhouse women who are rising stars in their organizations but feel like they can't say no without damaging their reputations or letting others down.

They worry that saying no will make them look like they're not team players, not committed to their work, or not capable of handling more responsibility. But they also worry that NOT saying no will stretch them beyond their capacity, resulting in less-than-stellar outcomes and potential burnout.

But here's the thing: learning to say no with authority AND empathy is not only essential for your sanity and success, it's a leadership skill that will take you far. By setting clear boundaries and communicating them with consideration, you demonstrate that you value your time, energy and priorities while still respecting others.

So how do we do this?

How can we soften the blow of a no without diminishing our authority?

Here's a three-step script I share with my clients:

1. Affirm your positive intentions: "I would love to say yes, and here's why..."

"I appreciate you thinking of me for this exciting project. Your trust in my skills means a lot."

"I admire your initiative in suggesting this idea. It's clear you put a lot of thought into it."

2. Give a clear and contextualized no: "I need to say no at this time, and here's why..."

"Unfortunately, with my current workload and deadlines, I don't have the bandwidth to take this on and give it the attention it deserves."

"After careful consideration, this doesn't align with my top priorities and goals for the quarter, so I need to decline."

3. Clarify future possibilities (if applicable): "Please check back with me..." or "This will not be possible."

"Feel free to check back in a month when I expect to have more capacity. I'm open to discussing it then."

"Since this falls outside the scope of my role and expertise, I won't be able to assist with this type of request in the future."

And what if, after careful consideration, you realize you actually do need to say yes? Maybe circumstances have changed, new information has come to light, or you realize that your no is way riskier than a yes? It’s okay to change your mind - but do so with clarity and confidence.

Acknowledge your previous no, explain what's changed, and communicate your new decision assertively. You might say something like, "I know I initially said I couldn't take this on, but after our discussion about your timeline, I will shuffle my priorities and make it work. I'm saying yes, and here's my plan." Changing your response thoughtfully and decisively shows adaptability and leadership, not weakness or indecision.

The key is to be transparent, empathetic and firm. You can express genuine care and respect while still holding your ground. By doing this consistently, you solidify your reputation as a judicious leader who doesn't over-commit, has clear priorities, and treats others with consideration even when delivering a no.

As women leaders, we can choose to turn it into an empowering statement that showcases our strengths and emotional intelligence. So go forth and say "no" when you mean it. Your time, energy and leadership equity are precious - protect them well.

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Deborah Grayson Riegel MSW, PCC

Deborah Grayson Riegel is a keynote speaker and consultant who teaches leadership communication for Wharton Business School and Columbia Business School. She is a regular contributor for Harvard Business Review, Inc., Psychology Today, Forbes, and Fast Company. The author of Overcoming Overthinking: 36 Ways to Tame Anxiety for Work, School, and Life, she consults and speaks for clients including Amazon, BlackRock, KraftHeinz, PepsiCo, and The United States Army. Her work has been featured in worldwide media, including Bloomberg Businessweek, Oprah Magazine, and The New York Times.

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