Modesty Is a Luxury You Can't Afford: Why Staying Small Is Your Riskiest Career Move
If speaking up for yourself at work feels a little awkward, you’re not alone. Maybe you’ve done something amazing but downplayed it like it was no big deal. Or you’ve needed support, but convinced yourself now wasn’t the “right time” to ask. Sound familiar?
Let’s talk about two essential career skills that often get a bad rap: self-promotion and self-advocacy. I like to think of them as sisters. Not identical twins, but definitely part of the same power family.
Meet the Sisters
Self-promotion is your bold, outgoing sister who works a room like she was born in it. She tells your story with confidence—and maybe a little sparkle. She knows that visibility matters, and she’s here to make sure people know what you bring to the table. For me, this is where I tell people that I’ve been a coach for 21 years, I’ve taught at Wharton, Columbia, and Duke, I write for Harvard Business Review, and I was a National Champion in public speaking.
Self-advocacy is her grounded, no-nonsense sibling. She doesn’t do flair, but she does make sure you get what you need. She’s the one who helps you ask for resources, clear feedback, and, yes, even the raise you deserve. For me, this is where I name my full speaking or coaching fee – and then stop talking – because it’s what I want, need, and deserve.
Together, these sisters are career-changing.
Why You Need Both
Let’s bust a myth right now: Staying quiet isn’t the humble choice—it’s the invisible one. And invisibility rarely leads to promotions, raises, or leadership opportunities. Research shows that women’s contributions are often under-recognized. If you’re not strategically sharing your value, you could end up being the best-kept secret in your organization. (Spoiler alert: Secrets don’t get sponsored.)
And when we skip self-advocacy? That’s when we find ourselves under-resourced, underpaid, and overwhelmed. One study found that women receive 63% less actionable feedback than men. That’s not just a stat—it’s a roadblock, especially when their feedback is about their “teamwork” rather than their leadership. (Yup, that’s what happens.)
Finally, when women don’t speak up for themselves, they unintentionally reinforce the narrative that women don’t ask, don’t lead, or don’t achieve. Oof. Your silence doesn’t just affect you—it sends ripples across the system.
So how do we bring these sisters into the room in a way that feels authentic?
Make Self-Promotion Less Cringe-y and More Credible
I get it: many of us would rather sit through a meeting that should’ve been an email than talk about our own achievements. But here’s a reframe: You’re not bragging, you’re informing. And for me as a small business owner, if I don't own my impressive outcomes, then I'm failing my business, my clients, and myself.
Think educator, not egotist. Sharing your work helps others see your impact. Try: “I’m proud that my project boosted customer satisfaction by 32%.” That’s not ego—that’s data.
Find a brag buddy. Team up with a colleague and commit to highlighting each other’s wins. It feels way better when someone else sings your praises—and you get to return the favor. (Ask me to talk about my stunningly impressive friends Priya Nalkur, Ed.D. and Signy Wilson -- and you won't be able to shut me up.)
Sprinkle, don’t shout. Look for natural moments to share your impact. “When I led the rebrand that won the industry award, I learned…” or "When my coaching client got the promotion she'd been working towards..." See what we did there?
Practice Self-Advocacy—Without Apologizing for It
Self-advocacy isn’t about being difficult or demanding. It’s about being clear and courageous.
Drop the disclaimers. No more “just checking” or “sorry to bother.” That’s what I call “self-shrinking” language. Try: “I’d like five minutes to discuss something important.” Yes – take up space!
Tie it to outcomes. Instead of “I’d like to attend this conference,” try “This conference aligns with our Q2 priorities and will help me build skills in AI strategy.”
Push beyond "no". Come prepared with alternatives if your original ask gets rejected. “If your budget’s tight, let's consider having me speak for an hour rather than a half day."
And my favorite trick? Before a big conversation, ask yourself: “What would I tell my best friend to do?” Then take your own advice.
What aspect of these sister skills would you like to tackle first? The floor is yours!
Deborah Grayson Riegel MSW, PCC
Deborah Grayson Riegel is a keynote speaker and consultant who teaches leadership communication for Wharton Business School and Columbia Business School. She is a regular contributor for Harvard Business Review, Inc., Psychology Today, Forbes, and Fast Company. The author of Overcoming Overthinking: 36 Ways to Tame Anxiety for Work, School, and Life, she consults and speaks for clients including Amazon, BlackRock, KraftHeinz, PepsiCo, and The United States Army. Her work has been featured in worldwide media, including Bloomberg Businessweek, Oprah Magazine, and The New York Times.
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