The "Oops" Reset Button: Why Communication Missteps Hit Women Leaders Harder --and How to Bounce Back ASAP

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-in-gray-tank-top-3812731/

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." - Oscar Wilde (who clearly made enough mistakes to know what he was talking about)

Let me tell you about my recent Zoom fail. There I was, delivering what I thought was a brilliant workshop on executive presence, when a participant kindly messaged me: "Deb, we can't hear you. You're on mute." Teaching about presence while being completely absent - oh, the irony!

Of all the mistakes I typically make (and trust me, I have a greatest hits collection), the ones I can laugh off are those where I'm the only casualty: sending an email to myself instead of a client, showing up for a meeting on the wrong day, or my personal favorite - trying to find my phone while talking on my phone. The error is mine, and so are the consequences (my kids thinking I'm losing it.)

But I am always mindful about how my mistakes impact me as a female leader. At best, I've created confusion. At worst, I've inadvertently reinforced stereotypes, damaged relationships, or undermined my own authority. And either way, I find myself wishing for a magical "undo" button.

My 24-year-old twins, Sophie and Jake, continue to be my communication gurus. While most young adults their age might let tension simmer or conflicts escalate, they've mastered something far more valuable: the relationship reset. When they feel our conversation is going down a shaky chute, they'll ask, "Can we start over?"

And let me tell you - when your own children become your teachers in emotional intelligence, it's both humbling and heartwarming.

Why Communication Missteps Hit Women Leaders Harder

Research consistently shows women navigate a narrower communication tightrope than their male counterparts:

1. According to a 2021 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, women leaders face what researchers call the "competence-warmth trade-off" - being perceived as either competent or likable, but rarely both simultaneously.

2. Research by Victoria Brescoll at Yale shows that while men who speak up more in meetings are rated as more competent, women who do the same are often rated as less competent and too dominant.

3. The "double bind" persists: a 2018 McKinsey report found that women are penalized for behaviors that are rewarded in men, creating a narrow band of acceptable communication styles.

4. When we make mistakes, confirmation bias means those errors are more likely to be remembered and attributed to our gender rather than seen as individual missteps.

This isn't just frustrating—it's exhausting. No wonder so many of us overanalyze our emails, rehearse our comments before meetings, and agonize over feedback conversations.

Why Starting Over Is So Hard (But Worth It)

Here's what I've learned since I first explored this topic more than 20 years ago:

1. Our brains are wired to remember negative interactions more strongly than positive ones (thanks, evolution!).

2. The longer we wait to address a communication misstep, the more stories we create about why it happened.

3. Most people want to give others a second chance - they just don't know how to ask for one themselves.

4. For women leaders specifically, we often fear that admitting a mistake will undermine our hard-won authority.

Strategic Resets That Preserve Your Leadership Presence

Here are approaches I've learned both for and from my executive coaching clients:

1. The Confident Correction Reset: "I want to revisit what I said earlier because it didn't fully capture my thinking." "I've reflected on our conversation and want to approach it differently."

2. The "I Notice" Reset:"I notice our conversations often get tense around deadlines. Could we talk about a better way to handle those moments?" "I notice I tend to interrupt when I'm excited about an idea. Would you tell me when that happens?"

3. The Time-Travel Technique:"If we could go back to the start of this project, what would we do differently?""Looking ahead six months, what would we want to remember about how we handled this?"

4. The Relationship Renovation:Like any good home improvement project, sometimes relationships need updating. Start with: "What's one small thing we could each do differently that would make a big difference?"

5. The Research-Based Reset:"I've been reading about different communication styles, and I realized I might be approaching our discussions in a way that's not working for this team." "I'd like to experiment with a different format for our meetings based on what's been effective in similar organizations."

Helpful Questions to Add to Your Reset Toolkit

• "What does support from me look like when you're stressed?"

• "How can I tell when you're not saying what you really think?"

• "What's your preferred way to clear the air after a miscommunication?"

• "What's one thing I could start/stop/continue doing that would help our communication?"

• "How can we make it safer to give each other feedback?"

Maintaining Power While Showing Vulnerability

A 2019 study by Brené Brown and her team found that leaders who demonstrate appropriate vulnerability are perceived as more authentic and trustworthy. For women leaders, the key is balancing vulnerability with competence:

1. Frame mistakes as learning opportunities: "Here's what I learned from that situation that will make us more effective going forward."

2. Be specific about your reset: Instead of a general apology, name exactly what you're resetting and why.

3. Model the behavior you want to see: When you demonstrate healthy reset behavior, you create psychological safety for your entire team.

4. Focus on solutions, not self-criticism: Research by Amy Edmondson at Harvard shows that teams perform better when leaders focus on learning rather than blame.

5. Know when to move on: Once you've reset effectively, resist the urge to keep referencing the misstep. Forward momentum builds credibility.

Real Talk: When You Can't Get a Do-Over

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we can't get that clean slate we're hoping for. In those cases:

• Document what you've learned

• Adjust your approach with others

• Forgive yourself (yes, really)

• Use the experience to help others avoid the same pitfalls

• Find an ally who can provide perspective and support

Your Communication Reset Checklist:

• Acknowledge the tension

• Take responsibility for your part

• Ask for what you need

• Offer what you can give

• Agree on a path forward

• Set a check-in date

Remember: The goal isn't perfect communication (thank goodness, or I'd be out of a job!). The goal is creating enough safety that both parties can say "Can we try that again?" and know the answer will be "Yes."

For women leaders especially, mastering the reset allows us to bring our full selves to our work—including the perfectly imperfect human who occasionally missteps but always moves forward with grace and purpose.

Your Turn:

What conversation do you wish you could reset? What's stopping you from asking for that do-over? And most importantly, what's the cost of not asking?

Because while we can't turn back time (unless you're Cher), we can always turn toward each other and try again.

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Deborah Grayson Riegel MSW, PCC

Deborah Grayson Riegel is a keynote speaker and consultant who teaches leadership communication for Wharton Business School and Columbia Business School. She is a regular contributor for Harvard Business Review, Inc., Psychology Today, Forbes, and Fast Company. The author of Overcoming Overthinking: 36 Ways to Tame Anxiety for Work, School, and Life, she consults and speaks for clients including Amazon, BlackRock, KraftHeinz, PepsiCo, and The United States Army. Her work has been featured in worldwide media, including Bloomberg Businessweek, Oprah Magazine, and The New York Times.

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