Women: Stop Avoiding Conflict and Start Advocating for Yourself

Today, we're diving into a topic that might make you want to hide under your desk: conflict. I know, I know - just the word alone can make us break out in a cold sweat. But here's the thing: research shows that avoiding conflict is doing us no favors in our quest for leadership success.

Picture this: you're a rockstar leader, but you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to ruffle any feathers. Sound familiar? Well, buckle up, because we're about to explore why embracing conflict (yes, you heard me right!) could be the key to unlocking your full leadership potential.

First, let's talk about the elephant in the room: the gender leadership gap. McKinsey's 2023 "Women in the Workplace" report dropped some jaw-dropping stats:

• Only 28% of C-suite leaders are women (cue record scratch)

• Women of color represent a measly 8% of C-suite positions (not okay!)

• At this rate, we'll be waiting 131 years for gender parity in leadership (no, thank you!)

But wait, there's more! Women also face a little thing called the "prove-it-again" bias, where we're 40% more likely to have our leadership style picked apart compared to our male counterparts. It's like we're constantly walking through a minefield of judgment.

So, what's a female leader to do? Well, first off, here's what NOT to do:

• Don't internalize these systemic barriers as personal limitations

• Avoid comparing your path directly to male colleagues' experiences

• Don't minimize the impact of gender bias (it's real, and it's not okay)

Instead, try this:

• Recognize and call out systemic barriers when you see them. Speak up and advocate for change, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Remember, progress often requires discomfort. By using your voice to challenge the status quo, you pave the way for a more equitable future.

• Focus on your unique strengths and leadership style. Embrace what makes you different and use it to your advantage. Your diversity of thought and approach is an asset, not a liability. Cultivate self-awareness and lean into your authentic leadership identity.

• Advocate for policies and practices that promote gender equity. Be a vocal champion for creating a level playing field. Engage male allies and decision-makers in the conversation. Use data and storytelling to build a compelling case for change and celebrate incremental wins along the way.

Now, let's talk about the confidence gap. Brace yourself for some wild statistics:

• Women underestimate our abilities by a whopping 30% compared to men

• Only 34% of us feel fully confident in our leadership skills (yeah, it’s time to change that!)

Here’s what to stop doing:

• Don't apologize for your ambitions (own them!)

• Avoid undermining your own capabilities (you're a boss, remember?)

• Don't hesitate to apply for positions where you meet most, not all, requirements (men do it all the time!)

Instead…

• Practice self-affirmation and celebrate your accomplishments. Take time to reflect on your successes and give yourself credit where it's due. And if you’re having trouble figuring out your successes, ask your friends. They’ll FLOOD you with examples!

• Seek out stretch assignments and opportunities to grow. Push yourself outside your comfort zone and take on challenges that will help you develop new skills. (And stop taking on go-nowhere non-promotable tasks!)

• Surround yourself with supportive allies who believe in your potential. Build a network of cheerleaders who will encourage and uplift you. These include mentors, sponsors, feedback providers, coaches, and even challengers!

Next up: negotiation. Did you know that women face 40% more pushback when negotiating compensation? Yikes! But here's a secret weapon: collaborative negotiation strategies increase success rates by 55%. So, what should you avoid?

• Don't dodge negotiations out of fear

• Avoid using overly apologetic language (no more saying "sorry" for asking for what you deserve)

• Don't compromise your value

Instead, try this:

• Prepare thoroughly and know your value. Do your research and come armed with data to back up your ask. Gather market data, industry benchmarks, and specific examples of your contributions and impact. The more evidence you have to support your request, the more confident and persuasive you'll be.

• Use collaborative language and focus on mutual benefits. Frame the negotiation as a win-win opportunity. Emphasize how your proposal aligns with organizational goals and priorities. Highlight the potential positive outcomes for both parties and approach the conversation as a problem-solving discussion rather than a confrontation.

• Practice with a trusted mentor or coach. Role-play different scenarios and get feedback on your approach. Anticipate potential objections or pushback and prepare thoughtful responses in advance. The more you practice, the more comfortable and natural you'll feel advocating for yourself in the actual negotiation.

Conflict and challenge are not barriers, but opportunities for growth. By understanding these research-backed insights, embracing your unique strengths, and taking strategic action, you can transform professional obstacles into powerful stepping stones for leadership success.

---

References

Artz, B., Goodall, A. H., & Oswald, A. J. (2018). Do Women Ask? Industrial Relations: A Journal of Economy and Society

Kay, K., & Shipman, C. (2014). The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance---What Women Should Know. Harper Business.

Kugler, K. G., Reif, J. A. M., Kaschner, T., & Brodbeck, F. C. (2018). Gender differences in the initiation of negotiations: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin.

McKinsey & Company. (2023). Women in the Workplace 2023.

Williams, J. C., & Dempsey, R. (2014). What Works for Women at Work: Four Patterns Working Women Need to Know. New York University Press.

---

Deborah Grayson Riegel MSW, PCC

Deborah Grayson Riegel is a keynote speaker and consultant who teaches leadership communication for Wharton Business School and Columbia Business School. She is a regular contributor for Harvard Business Review, Inc., Psychology Today, Forbes, and Fast Company. The author of Overcoming Overthinking: 36 Ways to Tame Anxiety for Work, School, and Life, she consults and speaks for clients including Amazon, BlackRock, KraftHeinz, PepsiCo, and The United States Army. Her work has been featured in worldwide media, including Bloomberg Businessweek, Oprah Magazine, and The New York Times.